It
doesn't make sense when you think about it. RA comes with so many symptoms:
pain, swelling, stiffness, pain, malaise, fatigue, pain. I mean, one would
think that the never-ending sickness would put you right to sleep. Isn't that
what our bodies are trained to do? When illness strikes, we just laze around
while our immune system fights off the problem--it needs all the energy it can
get. Like when you have the flu, and all you want is to sleep it away. Similar
thing—body is always in attack mode, and therefore constantly exhausted. With
my body in a constant state of attack, even against my own body, I should be
utterly exhausted from the experience.
I am.
My body knows
this. My body is familiar with the exhaustion, it welcomes it. It wants nothing
more than to lay down on a bed, couch, floor, anything that won’t move. My body
is sick, and feels that the only way it can recover is to rest. It's my mind what
refuses to shut down. Even when every bit of energy is ripped from my body,
every ounce of motivation, every morsel readiness, my mind is on alert. My mind
knows enough about the nature of my disease, that it doesn’t want to give in to
my sleepy indulgences because it knows what they can do.
I think it's
fear. When I lay my head on my pillow at night the only thing that will come of
it is pain. Fatigue cannot be remedied with sleep. I’m not just tired. Fatigue means I am completely unreachable. Sleep will
not help that. My subconscious is fearful of waking up, of feeling the disease
replenished in my body, of repeating the same process over and over. When I go
to sleep I am welcoming the next day's battle, welcoming the disease to
strengthen itself while I sleep. If my body is not having to supply the energy
to move around and talk and live life normally, it can focus on healing itself.
The problem is that “healing” my body is hurting it. Everything inside me is
confused, and when my immune system thinks it is attacking something bad, it’s
just attacking the good parts of my body—my joints. While I sleep my immune
system begins a cruel assault on what it thinks to be the enemy, but is not. I
wake up in the aftermath of battle, with fresh and tender wounds surrounded in
pain. Wouldn't you be afraid to?
My brain is
tapping into my fight or flight instincts, and it's fleeing. It is running away
in the only way it knows how: by preventing the RA from building up while I
sleep. What normally would be a method for healing the body, is what I am
trying to escape most. Sleep is as much the enemy to me as the disease itself,
no matter how much I may need it. Hours will tick by. 12am, 1, 2, sometimes all
the way to 4am before by body’s needs overcome my brain’s anxiety. Heat will
flash through my body as my brain wrestles against my body. Most nights it is
bearable, but other times I lie there shivering cold then suddenly damp with
sweat. Sleep is a hard subject for me. It rarely comes when I want it, and
rarely leaves me when I wish it to.
It's a dreadful
concept. The one thing my exhausted body wants, is the one thing my brain
fears. A fight that is sure to last the rest of my life.
