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| Staring into darkness, waiting for the light |
With disease like mine sometimes it seems impossible to catch up. No matter what I do, how long I work, how hard I try, everything just slips my mind and slips my grasp. I just forget things, or if I remember I am too fatigued to attempt them. In the past couple weeks I have spaced three assignments. Plum forgot they existed. Another time I fell asleep working on an assignment so I gave up and went to bed. Early.
The funny thing is I'm not deprived of sleep. I get a solid 8 1/2 hours every night, and wake up at regular time, which usually helps. But for some reason the past couple weeks I just can't get my mind straight. It's all running away from me and no amount of notes, to-do lists, or rest is helping me close the gap. So often people like me are simply exhausted, and it's so hard to explain why.
This morning I missed my chemistry class. Not because I overslept, not because of pain, and not because I decided I didn't want to go. I woke up the same time as normal after my 8 1/2 hours, and couldn't do it. Getting out of bed was the mountain I couldn't climb today. So I rolled over and slept for another 2, and still didn't want to get out of bed.
It's hard to explain to people that my body sometimes doesn't want to work, and that it's not me being lazy. My body is constantly in fight mode, thinking it is sick 24/7, and that really wears me out. When most people get sick they have a recovery phase--a few days where their body gets back to full working order--but my body never gets the opportunity since it never really recovers.
I am no superhero. I am not wonder woman. I am just trying to get by. It is hard. It isn’t fun.
I can choose to fight against my disease, to go against it. To swim upstream. But that will get me nowhere. I can’t pretend the disease isn’t there and go on with my life like normal, because that will make it harder. Instead I have to let the disease do its thing, and every once in a while remind it that this is still MY body.
So sweet dreams my darling, you'll make it through tomorrow.
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